...Quindi è questa, la stanchezza?

Dormire tipo 12 ore di seguito, svegliarsi con calma, con i propri ritmi, stare un po' a letto a cazzeggiare col telefono, poi alzarmi e fare le mie cose in bagno con calma. Star seduta anche mezz'ora sulla tazza, sfogliando un giornalaccio di gossip, farmi una doccia lunga quanto voglio io, preoccupandomi solo del dispendio di acqua, e non che il suo scroscio possa svegliare qualcuna che dorme beata (lei sì, per 12,13 anche 14 ore di fila) nell'altra stanza. 
Avere la casa sporca e in disordine senza il terrore che qualche dirimpettaio butti un occhio in casa e chiami i servizi sociali o che tua figlia si tiri una tazza in testa. 
Andare a lavorare.
Si, perché cari miei, siamo nel 2015, ma se SCEGLI di stare a casa con tua figlia, sei comunque una privilegiata, una fancazzista, una che non vuole lavorare e preferisce stare a casa a non far niente. E mica per tutti hai il diritto essere stanca, alienata e stressata. "Eh, pensa se dovessi anche andare a lavorare!", "Beata te che puoi permetterti il lusso di stare a casa!". Certo.
Svaccarmi sul divano guardando le due serie che mi sono persa di Keeping up with the Kardashians.
Bere un bicchiere in più, che tanto domani non si lavora e posso svegliarmi a che ora voglio. 
Far fermare i pensieri che girano in testa anche mentre dormo.

Si. Ci sono dei momenti in cui penso che fare la mamma non faccia per me, mi chiedo chi me l'abbia fatto fare, rimpiango quando quasi non avevo responsabilità, lavoravo e spendevo in maniera stupida i soldi che guadagnavo, senza dover dare spiegazioni a nessuno. 
Ci sono momenti in cui mi chiedo se ho preso le decisioni giuste, attimi in cui vorrei scappare da tutto e da tutti e poter stare un paio di giorni sola, su un'isola deserta, seduta sul bagnasciuga a leggere in santa pace. (Ci sono anche giorni in cui sono così disperata da bramare una settimana in coma farmacologico, lo ammetto ). 
Ma poi ti guardo e tu mi sorridi. O mi dici "mammmma". O tutti e due insieme. E vedo i tuoi unici due dentini. 
E lo so, sembra banale e stucchevole, ma è quella la risposta a tutto. Sei tu. 
La mia vita non sarebbe potuta andare in nessun'altra direzione.

Scrivi commento

Commenti: 18
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